I still think about him. Sadly, I still do. And I am feeling really weird about it. Pakiramdam ko hindi pa talaga kami tapos. Meron pang unspoken thing na namamagitan samin. But we just can't say it because it's not right. The circumstances changed.
Pero, baka feeling ko lang yan.
Or maybe it's true.
All I know is that it's true for me. Minsan, napapasagi siya sa isip ko. Just his face. Iniisip ko kung ano na ginagawa niya. Nasa work, nasa bahay natutulog, which he is fond of... naglalaro ng strategy game. But I just shake it off my head. Then I move on with my life.
I have never forgotten him, that's for sure. Never. Naalala ko tuloy yung isang Asian Drama -- it feels like he built a house in my head and he plans to stay there, forever. Ang hirap makalimutan. What makes it really weird is that I have never felt anger or anything against him. Never. And everytime I say that to any of my friends, they look at me like I'm the most stupid person on the planet or I'm crazy.
I am.
We were together for several years. 8? 9? Boy, it was long. We were physically together during the first 4 years, and then TRIED to survive in the remaining years. He is a very quiet person. I had a hard time dealing with him before we were together. Lagi lang kaming magkasama and I was falling for him already, pero di siya nagsasalita. Come to think of it, maybe he never liked me to begin with. Baka na-obliga lang siya. Ha! That would be funny for an 8-year relationship.
Anyway, lagi kaming lumalabas. He was still a student back then and I was already working. Minsan lang kami magkita kasi we were both busy. Pero lagi kami lumalabas on weekends. Kain dito, kain dun. Sine rito, sine run. I fell for him first, and then we got into a relationship and then he fell for me. I think that's how it happened.
Masaya yung relasyon namin. Nung student pa siya, pumupunta ako sa boarding house niya. May room-mate pa siya nun. Hirap pag may room-mate! Tapos ang init pa ng boarding house na yun. Tambay lagi. Nood ng movie. Pero kadalasan, lumalabas na lang kami sa mall para mapresko. He did not have money then, but he tried to contribute significantly every time may lakad kami.
He would pick me up from work kapag may lakad kami sa gabi. Tapos uwi pa siya ng QC. It was really tiring for him. I was working at Makati. Hihintaying niya ako sa labas ng building, tapos lakwatsa kami, then hatid niya ako sa boarding house ko (Makati rin), tapos uwi siya to QC. He was doing that for almost a year, until he graduated.
Naalala ko kapag hinihintay niya ako sa labas ng building namin. He hated it that I would come out late. Hirap kasi ng work ko nun. Minsan there would be issues that come late in the afternoon. Hindi mo maiwan-iwan. It would break my heart seeing him downstairs, sa labas ng building... nakaupo lang, bored to death. I knew he was not happy about it, pero he never said anything. Nung minsan, we moved to a building along one of the side streets of Ayala tapos across the building was a Starbucks. Masaya ako kasi kung maghihintay siya, at least sa Starbucks. But then, he would wait for so long na nahihiya na siya sa loob, he would come out and wait outside the coffee shop. It was hard to bear.
Kaya minsan, I would exert an effort. I would go all the way to his place on weekends, para makabawi ako. It was quite a commute to go to his boarding house. But I would do it kasi I was guilty of what I do to him during weekdays when he waits for me from work. Minsan naman, he would wait for me at the train station closest to his place. Naalala ko noon, as I step out of the train and see him, he would look at me at ang laki ng ngiti niya. Inisip ko lang nun, para namang baliw. And then he would reach for my hand and lakad kami para sumakay ng jeep. Nahuhuli ko pa siya minsan na pasimpleng inaamoy ang buhok ko. Men could be weird sometimes. Hindi ko na rin pinapansin yun. Maya pa niyan isipin niya, I'm overreacting.
Life became a lot better after he graduated and got a job in Makati. We decided to share the same boarding house (a.k.a. live together). It was the economical/practical way. It would look strange kung magkaiba kami ng boarding house but we see each other almost everyday. Tapos sa gabi, magko commute pa siya. It would be an unnecessary thing. Besides, it was cheaper.
We rented this place near Pasong Tamo. The place was a disaster. Sa sahig kami natutulog and there were cockroaches all over the place. It was hot in summer. Scorching. But of course, that time... it was fine with us. Pareho kami sanay sa ganung set up. We just wanted to live together at a place that we can afford.
Our life was much better.
We would eat out most of the time, except during Ramadan kasi kailangan niyang kumain before the sun rises. So he'd cook. Ramadan was an interesting time for me back then. He would not eat when the sun is up and no skinship. He would be stricter, too, with his prayers. I really did not mind. I would eat during the day at work, and I would wait for the sun to set before wanting dinner, para sabay kami kumain. Minsan, pinagluluto ko rin siya in the morning... prito-prito, and minsan kapag feel ko, pasta... with tuna. We both love that dish and I have never cooked that after we separated.
At the end of the day, we would talk about work. He used to work at this call center and he did not like it there. Some reason. It was not paying him well, anyway. He would talk about work and I would also share my piece. I learned a lot from our conversations. Whenever I was wrong, he won't let is pass. Insulto kung insulto. At first, I would be hurt pretty badly. Well, my pride would be hurt badly. But later on, I began to realize that he was right. After that, the insults became constructive criticisms. Kinukunsulta ko na siya whenever I would have dilemmas at work. And then it grew to things about family and life. Lagi ko na siyang kinukunsulta.
I was happy. And I think he was too. I would include him every time I would make plans. Kapag may lakad, lagi ko na siyang kino-consider. Kung puwede siyang isama, or kung wala siyang kasama mag-dinner. He was a very considerate man. Wala akong kaproble-problema in terms of drama or pambabae or bisyo. He would just stay at home and play with his computer games, all day. Or watch TV. Or watch some anime. Kapag bakasyon, Christmas or Holy Week, ina-adjust ko ang date ng pag uwi ko sa probinsiya para sabay kami ng pag-alis sa city. Umuuwi rin kasi siya sa probinsiya nila kapag may bakasyon.
Minsan, kapag masayang masaya ako, I worry kasi something bad might happen. It can't be happiness/bliss everyday. And I guess, that's true.
It was almost the end of year, things started to move with my plans. I got an offer of acceptance from a university in the US. It was the one I wanted because it had financial aid. I would not have to worry about not having money to pay for graduate school. We talked about it. Nothing to worry about, really. I did not even have a visa yet. Besides, it would just be for 2 years, and then I'd come back and we'll continue with our happy life together.
A month after, I was interviewed for my visa the first time. I was denied. I was disappointed. But now that I'm thinking about it, it must have been a sign. I contacted the university and they said I could apply again after a week or two. And I did. The second time I applied, I told myself, that's it. If it's for me, fine. If not, who cares. My life continues here.
I got my visa. He did not say anything about it. So, sabi ko... eh, nothing to worry about. As planned, 2 years... get my masters done, and then come back. If he wants to join me, fine. We'll find a life together elsewhere. I felt so happy with him that I was open and willing to settle anywhere, as long as we were together.
Issue was pushed to aside.
That Christmas vacation... I can't remember how it happened, but it was decided na pupunta ako sa family niya right after Christmas, then sasama siya sa province namin to meet my family in New Year. It was a busy vacation for both us. Booking of flights, arranging things, gifts... very busy.
I met his family. It was kind of an official introduction to the family. They had a party at home and I met every family member who attended that party. There was also a "pray over" for him and I was there. The men were praying along with the Imam and the women would just be around. We went to places in his province. Beaches. Rivers. Caves. Crocodile farm. I was happy.
Then after that visit, he went home with me to the south. He stayed with us for 2/3 days. My sister and I showed him some of the places in our province. Cave. Ruins. I think he was happy, too.
I considered that our formal introductions. When I went to his family, his sister and mom were already joking about marriage. Because at that time, we were already in our ~4th year together. When he stayed with my family, my mom asked me if we were getting married. Of course I had no idea. Even the people around us thought we were getting "there". We were both 26 years old.
We went back to Makati, tired but happy. But that happiness did not last long. After all, there is something we had to face, one way or another.
I resigned from work. I was already preparing all my stuff. I was scheduled to leave February. We never talked about it. We would go to the mall and buy stuff. We were still happy, like ordinary days. I would talk to him about getting nervous, how my flight would be, how to get acquainted with the school and Americans. And he would listen to me, patiently. But he never raised the topic of me, leaving... going across the globe, and the distance that would separate us.
We both went to see my family in the province. I thought I should spend some time with my family before going to a far place. The airfare is not cheap that I could easily fly back whenever I miss them. After the visit, I had a few days with him in Makati and I was scheduled to leave.
Still no conversation about me leaving. We both knew we had to talk about it. I knew we had to. But I think I was already hurting, just the thought of it. Iniisip ko pa lang na hindi ko siya makikita everyday, it was already hurting me. Ano pa kaya kung pag-usapan namin. And so, I never opened that topic up.
Until the night before I left.
I was so nervous checking things. Check rito, check roon. I did not want to forget anything. Clothes. Personal belongings. Papers. Documents. Oh gosh, visa! I was doing that for hours as he was watching TV. Hanggang sa natapos ko rin and I sat down by the bed.
I looked at my luggages. And looked out of window. Then it hit me. Pagdating ko run, it would be snowing. Kelan ko kaya mararamdaman ang init na ganito? Kahit mainit, pinagpapawisan... yun ang rason kung bakit masarap ang ihip ng hangin. Kahit konti lang. Tahimik ako. He probably found it weird na tahimik sa room. He lowered the volume of the TV and looked at me.
Nakayuko ako, nakatitig sa maleta.
"Aalis na ako", sabi ko. Napahinga siya nang malalim.
"Oo...", sagot niya.
"Iiwan kita rito...", iba na tunog ng boses ko.
"Babalik ka naman, diba?", he always finds goodness in things. He finds solutions to problems. He looked calm in a very unusual way.
"Oo, pero two years?"
"Eh, two years lang. Mabilis lang yun. Di mo mamalayan, pauwi ka na", optimistic na naman.
Niyakap ko siya. Iyak ako.
Wala na akong masabi. I was really hurting. My heart was breaking. Not because we were ending our relationship, but because I was leaving. Ako yung mang-iiwan. Wala na akong ibang masabi kundi "sorry". I was saying sorry, over and over. I never wanted to cause sadness to anyone, lalo na sa taong mahal ko.
I was thinking I would be fine. Bagong environment. Bagong buhay. Bagong mga mukha. New country. It would be an adventure for me going to the US. And he would be by himself. Mawawalan siya ng kausap after work. Mawawalan siya ng kasama sa sine. Mawawalan siya ng maaasar. Mawawalan siya ng kakulitan. He would lose things that he has become comfortable with... and he would lose someone whom he shares his daily life with.
Samantalang ako... what will I get from it? I was leaving a man by himself as I seek for what? My dream? An adventure? Curiosity? Hindi naman kami mahirap ah. I was working for a prestigious IT Consulting firm and I was earning good. He was working for a call center and was leading a team. His pay was not bad. Together, I didn't think we would be in poverty. Those thoughts were very painful for me. I felt I was so selfish to leave him.
And I was. And it was not the best decision I have made.
That's all we spent talking about it. We just had to make it clear that I would go to the US, get my degree, and come back. We would be together again and move on with our lives, happier.
Hinatid niya ako sa airport the following day. It was night time. Hindi siya nagsasalita, which was not unusual for him. He's a man of few words. Inisip ko, baka nga he's fine about this. Baka may plano siyang gawin when I'm away. Maybe he plans to work on his career, more seriously. Para pagbalik ko, mas mataas na sahod niya and we can get married. He'd usually plan for things. Good things for both of us. Hindi nga lang siya nagkukuwento lagi. Hindi siya gaya sakin na daldal nang daldal kahit tungkol sa maliliit na bagay. So, I let it go.
We spent time together, as long as we could. Hanggang sa namention na yung flight ko sa paging system. Parang ayaw kong umalis. But it was for the better. I felt I had to do it. Niyakap ko siya. Mahigpit. Umiyak ako. Binulong ko na lang, "i love you". Tapos grabe na ang luha ko. Wala siyang sinasabi. Yakap lang talaga kami.
Hanggang sa kailangan ko na talagang magbitiw. Magkaharap kami. We looked at each other, parehong luhaan. We were holding each other's hands. Tahimik lang. Bago ko binitawan ang kamay niya, nasabi ko... "babalik ako". Tumango lang siya.
Binitawan ko kamay niya at tumalikod na ako. I never looked back. Pira-piraso na ang puso ko that time. Baka hindi ko kayanin kung lumingon ako. I walked straight to the gate and got on the plane.
I sat and wept. Then fell asleep.
